My family

In this video, Dr Jenny Philip encourages people to talk and share what’s important to them with their loved ones, during the final stage of life.

“People share… and love.. and laugh. People do all sorts of wonderful things at this time of life.” Dr Jenny Philip

If there are children in the family, it is important to let them know what is happening. Children will often sense that something is wrong, so not telling them may add to their anxiety.

Use words that the child will understand, encourage them to ask questions and tell you about how they are feeling. Further advice about talking to children is provided in the Cancer Council’s Talking to Kids about Cancer.

“She is well and truly aware that Dad is not going to get any better, but (at aged 6) she is not articulating it as well as she could. We're getting advice and some support for her.”
Jason, 40yrs with advanced cancer

The Peter Mac Parent Matters Program is a support service for patients who are parents of young and adolescent children. Find more information and contact this service. 

The Victorian Adolescent and Young Adult (AYA) Cancer Service specialises in the care and support of Victorians experiencing cancer aged 15 to 25 years. Find out about this service.

Related pages

CanTeen

Sometimes family members may ask the cancer team not to share the news of end of life with the patient. However, many patients have told us that they knew “things weren’t going well” or that “they were not doing very well” and that not being able to share these feelings made things harder to cope with.

For the doctors and nurses looking after your loved one, not being able to talk honestly with the patient, can make it hard to offer all the support and options available. If you feel you don’t want your loved one to know that end of life is near, talk to a doctor or nurse about your concerns.

Sometimes patients, or family members do not want to talk about End of Life. There may be many reasons for this. A common worry is that talking about dying may suggest that they are giving up hope and that death may come more quickly – that is, the talking about end of life is seen as taboo or a bad omen.

If you need help talking with your family, ask your health care team. They will help answer your questions sensitively, and honestly. They can also help you share your feelings with those close to you, if that is what you want.

"Talking, thinking and planning for end of life does not make death come faster, it means that you can be ready when the time comes." Oliver, Psychologist

Mending relationships

Mending relationships that have broken down is often important to people at the end of life. Conflict and concern about broken relationships can make coping with loss more difficult for everyone.  

Having open and honest conversations and saying ‘I forgive you’ or asking for forgiveness can be very healing for the people involved. Again, members of your cancer team, a psychologist or spiritual carer can help with introducing or creating space for these conversations.

Saying goodbye

Sharing memories and laughter can be incredibly comforting for you and your family and friends.

You don’t have to use words to say goodbye. It may be about being together quietly, talking with and reminding the dying person of how loved they are, sitting in silence with a loved one, holding their hand. Touch can also convey deep care and emotion.

The time before death offers a sincere opportunity to connect and if you can, to say what you feel. It may be about telling someone how much you love them, how proud you are of them, or what small things you might do every day to keep them present in your life.

“I sat with him over a few days, I wiped his brow with a warm face washer, slowly and often. At one point he murmured… that’s nice. I felt very close to him in those special moments.” Anonymous

Being remembered

Some people say goodbye with a letter, a video recording, or a memory box. Writing letters and cards is a way of documenting thoughts and messages, a way of leaving something from the heart.

Memory boxes hold special things that belong to us. Objects  and messages can help remind loved ones of happy times and offer comfort and something to cherish. Creating a memory box can be an emotional experience but a satisfying way to reflect on our memories.

Emotional Wills are about sharing thoughts, life lessons, and hopes for children, grandchildren, and friends. This could be a letter, drawings, photos or notes.

It might include sharing favourite recipes, treasured memories shared with individuals or lessons you want others to know, e.g. “I always wanted to tell you that…”

Life Reflections is a guided interview (organised by Spiritual Care team) that is recorded and edited into a document which can then be shared with chosen family and friends,

A legacy is something that is passed on. A legacy can take many forms, it can be about faith and values, it could be money, charitable donations, or other assets or it may come from a person’s character or reputation as an example for others.

“After 7 years my father died of cancer at 61 yrs. He left his 4 children a legacy of strong human values. One, was that we continue to get on with each other, no big bust ups, to have solid family relationships. Another was to include others, regardless of where they come from. His values remain strong in raising my own children.” Kate, daughter of Kevin.