What happens at the end

While being told by the health care team that death is close can be very distressing, it prevents the shock of an unexpected death. Of course, sometimes death is sudden, and no warning is possible, but often there is time to prepare.

Wendy described how unprepared she and her family were for her husband’s death. She explained:

"We were not prepared for what "end of life" would or could look like, not in any way at all. Graeme’s last few days were traumatic, we felt helpless when we couldn’t get a "layman’s" explanation for why certain things were being done. It truly was a quick demise; I am saddened that others have to go through the same emotions." Wendy, carer of Graeme

For family and friends who are caring for their loved one in the last few weeks or days of life, ask the doctor or nurse, or the community palliative care team what to expect and what signs to look out for.

For families caring for their loved one at home, it is important to ask who you can call for help if you feel that the patient’s condition has changed or if you need extra help to care for them.

The Cancer Council resource Facing End of Life will also be a useful reference at this time.

Sometimes family and friends may feel at a loss as to what to do when their loved one is at the end of their life.

Just be there, listen and talk with them. You may want to tell them how much you love them. Hearing is one of the last senses to leave us as we die, and so calm, reassuring words can be very comforting.

Playing gentle music, the style that the person loves, or sitting quietly and holding someone’s hand can also bring comfort. A gentle massage can create an intimacy through touch.  It is natural to show emotion.

This situation is emotional and exhausting so remember to take some time out for yourself too.

In this video Jenny Philip talks about being with a loved one at the end of their life.

“I am so pleased I went to the hospital at 2am. Spending the last 2 hours of Mum’s life with her was a very special experience. She was not conscious, but I held her hand, thanked her for her love and what she had done for us. I stayed for a couple of hours after she passed away too, I won’t ever forget that.” Gary, son of Joan

"The best person to look after someone who is dying is someone who loves them." Anonymous

In the last few days of life:

• a person may start to become quiet and sleep for long periods
• they stop eating and then stop drinking
• their breathing pattern changes and may become slow and shallow ( noisy breathing can be managed)
• some people become agitated and confused (these symptoms can be managed)

Talk to the nurse or doctor if you are worried that your loved one is not comfortable. If you are at home speak with the Community Palliative Care team for assistance.

Although people at the end of life sleep more, or slip in and out of consciousness in the final days or hours, remember they may still be able to hear you. So keep talking to them if that feels right to you.  

Just as every birth is different, every death is different. For some, dying is calm, breathing slows and becomes irregular with increasing pauses, until the person takes a few short, gentle last breaths. For others, dying can be restless or may take many days. For others, death may arrive quickly and unexpectedly.

After death a nurse or doctor will verify that the person has died. Family and friends may find this confronting and there is no need to be present.

“Your loved one has died. That hurts. It is a time of grief. With grief and with time, sometimes a lot of time, comes healing.” Pastor Deborah Storie

Bereavement is the experience of losing someone that is important to us. It is a time of deep emotion and grief for family and friends.

Many carers will have been with and involved in caring for their loved one, which they will have experienced as a privilege.

Grieving is normal and is experienced in different ways. It is important to speak with your GP if you are struggling with your grief. If you prefer, you can ask for help from the hospital where your family member or friend was cared for.

The Spiritual Care or Social Work teams will provide follow up support if your friend or family member dies at Peter Mac.

Community Palliative Care can provide ongoing bereavement counselling for family and carers.

Peter Mac provides services to support carers.

You can also refer to the Peter Mac resource When a loved one passes away.

This Canteen resource Living with the death of your parent, brother or sister from cancer will be useful for younger people whose parent or sibling has died.