My concerns

We are all different, and we worry about different things.

Some people will be:

• fearful of dying or struggle to accept they are going to die
• concerned about how long they have to live, or where they are going to die
• worried about pain and whether they will suffer or lose dignity at the end of their life
• anxious that their wishes and choices may not be respected

Many people worry about the impact their death will have on their family and how they will cope without them. 

“Yes, he’s scared of dying, he’s scared of dying and not having the time. I understand that. I try to talk to him and ask him what is it that you are scared of?”  Irene, carer of her dad with advanced cancer

People who recognise that end of life is getting closer sometimes describe feeling overwhelmed. This can make it hard to get on with living in the time that’s left.

It’s normal to experience low mood, to feel anxious, and to be scared of dying.

For some people, fears or uncertainty about dying can stop them making the most of the time that is left, to be able to live in the day to day.

Sharing and talking about end of life with people we trust, or who are close to us, can be helpful.

Some people will choose someone in their health care team, because it can be less upsetting to talk about dying with them, rather than with a close family member or friend. Your doctor or nurse can help you think about how you might want to talk to those closest to you about your death.

Talking over the things that are worrying or upsetting can offer relief from the fear, worry or sadness that you experience.

Talking through issues with a professional can be helpful. Psychologists, Spiritual Carers and  Social Workers are trained in guiding people through difficult times.  

For many people, having a religious person alongside them at this time can be very comforting, and important.    

Some families choose a death doula to provide support and guidance during end of life and after death.

Some people prefer to talk with a family member or a trusted friend.

The most important thing is that you choose the person, or people, who feel right for you.

“It seemed like he was refusing to die after 7 years of cancer treatment, hanging in there after being close to death a few times. Community Palliative Care suggested he talk with a spiritual carer. After that discussion, dad was much calmer. It was as though he had finally accepted he was going to die." Kate, daughter of Kevin with prostate cancer, died 67 yrs

Talking with trained health professionals may help with:

• relationships with family and friends,
• identifying your values and what’s important to you
• planning for how you want to die and where you want to be at the end of life.  

The books listed below may be helpful for people who want to understand more about the fear of dying:

• Staring at the Sun by Irvin Yalom
• Managing Cancer and Living meaningfully (CALM) by Gary Rodin and Sarah Hales

Also, the Cancer Mind Care app is a useful resource for people who are feeling anxious about end of life.

Spirituality is a broad concept and often includes connecting to something bigger than us and can involve looking for meaning in life. Sometimes, people who know that the end of life is getting closer become more focused on spirituality.

Spirituality may be linked to a church, temple, a higher being or the practice of meditation. Some find meaning or purpose in nature or art, or in their connections with family and their communities. Writing or keeping a journal can be helpful ways of connecting to your experiences and the world around you. We will all have different ways of finding meaning in our lives.

“About twelve months into the journey he started to question life … he became involved in religion. I think when your life’s going to end, you do start wondering, ‘well maybe there is something more and maybe I should pursue it’, which he did, … so that was very calming to him.”  Wendy, wife of Graeme, died of pancreatic cancer